CURBSIDE ETIQUETTE

Through the Eyes of a Delivery Goddess



Below you will find links to dates when new entries are added. The stories will not necessarily be in chronological order, but rather as I remember them. I am dating them so that you can skip to new ones you haven't read since the last time you visited, and so that you are more easily able to find something you found humorous to share with others.
Magic Carpet


"WATCH THAT RUG!", one of the two state troopers announced as I walked into the door of the local donut shop this morning. I have no idea what went on before I arrived, but the two female employees behind the counter laughed loudly when I snapped back, "Oooooooh - I see the alligators. Are you here to save me?" Now they were all laughing. The victim ... (me)... stood there with a very serious look on my face. I acted like I was going to attempt to stand on the rug; a typical grey store rug with rubber backing, placed where customers stand while being serviced by the donut makers, but winced back as if something came "out of the rug" after me. The officer who offered me the original warning said, "It's OK... we'll hold it down for you." So now I had a glimpse into the actions that must have taken place prior to my arrival. I asked if one of them had tripped over it when they arrived. I think through their laughter, I heard the second cop say, "Yeah, it nearly took him down." I looked at the girls behind the counter and said, "Where's the security tape? I want to see what happened." Then, I looked at the guy who apparently fell over the carpet and asked, "Oh, is THAT all? You fellas can step aside while I order my donuts. Trust me, I'm heavy enough to hold this bad boy down myself." All four of them, the two chefs and the two cops, seemed to be enjoying the fact that I was willing to play along.

You have to understand. I did my turn at "Making the Donuts" about twenty-five years ago. I know what type of humor overnight cops can have. My co-conspirator Miss B and I laughed many nights with the local cops that sat at our breakfast counter for a few hours, passing time, waiting for some poor wrong-doer to get turned into the 911 dispatch. One particular night, the men in blue were enjoying themselves by giving Miss B and I a hard time, trying to convince us that the shop needed to be a topless donut shop. They stayed an unusually long time that night - and right around 5am, before the mad rush started coming through the door, Officer Bob walked into the back room where we were making the donuts. No one had done that before. He had taken off his shirt, hung a white towel over the arm on which he had a serving tray and a pot of coffee. We didn't realize he'd entered our "domain" until he announced, "Coffee, anyone?" OH my! Our boss would have fired us, and I'm certain, he would have lost his badge carrying on like that. I'll admit, though, it was hilarious.

On another night, a regular customer who had a crush on Miss B brought in an inflatable cartoon character with him. He claimed that he used it to ride in the "high occupancy" lanes going into downtown, where you need more than one person in the car to qualify. He brought it in as a joke, was trying to impress Miss B by telling her that his companion wanted coffee and a donut, and so on. I was suprised when she asked if she could keep it until tomorrow. Of COURSE, he said "sure". When the cops came in later that night, she snuck out and put the latex human form in their front seat. Mr. High-occupancy Cheat rode in the front seat of the police car for three days before they brought him back. The cops didn't even come back to see us, they were afraid we'd take him back. I wasn't around when she returned the human zeppelin back to its rightful owner, so I don't know if he was angry, or impressed that his air-headed shot-gunner had a free ride in the police cruiser for a few days.

As the young gal behind the counter bagged my donuts and I paid her, I turned to notice that the officers had taken a step backward off of the mat. Again, I swung my head from side to side, taking one more look at them. They took the hint and stepped back on each rear corner of the rug. I jumped with both feet together, backward about two feet to land on the tile floor, outside of the grey perimeter. I couldn't help but ask for one last laugh before I waved and said, "Y'all have a groovy morning."