Through the Eyes of a Delivery Goddess |
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I decided to send along some of the lame wet paper excuses I've heard through the years. Perhaps they're not as funny from the non-carrier side of the fence, but to me, some of them are pretty unbelievable... or ... amazing - whichever non-committal adjective you'd like to use. I think the most unbelievable one I can relate was one I actually witnessed... I stood in a friend of a friend's kitchen and watched them take the paper out of the bag. It had, indeed, been raining earlier in the wee hours of the morning, so the bag had some big water droplets still clinging to it. I watched this person cut the knot off of the bag with a pair of scissors, then turn the bag upside down, holding the bottom of the bag with one hand up in the air, the open end pointing downward, and the other hand underneath the bag to catch the paper as it slid out of the bag. This person ACTUALLY complained, first about being annoyed that the bag got wet (as water dribbled onto their open palm), then, while the paper was slipping out, the rain fell off of the open end of the bag onto the once-dry paper. Then then proceeded to whine about the carrier never being able to keep the paper dry. I was SO dumbfounded, I couldn't even say anything. Gee... Ever heard of a funny thing called GRAVITY? One Saturday morning while we were at the Post Gazette depot putting our first three sections of Sunday's papers together, the manager came out to me and asked if a certain street was on my way home. It was, so he asked if I'd mind dropping off another paper to them on my way.... they said their paper was wet. "But, it didn't rain", I pleaded to the manager, shrugging my shoulders. He said, "for all I know, it only rained at their house." "AND...", I continued..."I always throw it on their porch, and today was NO exception!" He just looked at me, so I said, "I'll drop one off, but... I don't get it." He thanked me and walked away. When I got to the house, the paper was laying on a piece of porch furniture, absolutely soaking, unreadable wet. I knocked on the door - I HAD to know what happened to this paper. No one answered, they had apparently gone somewhere for awhile. I left the dry paper in front of the door, on the porch, and looked around at the neighbors to see if anyone was looking at me. I bent down to smell the paper to see if it smelled like maybe the dog wet it down, but honestly - it was SO wet, someone had to have dropped it in the bathtub AFTER they had it out of the bag. Nice that the paper gives free wet replacements, even if it's not raining. Another carrier was having problems with a customer - every time it rained, they called in claiming a wet paper.  It's happened on occasion, that once someone knows they will get credit on their bill for a new paper, they'll just call in and complain about a wet paper, and refuse the replacement saying, "No, that's OK, I'll just take credit". After several of those, Customer Service should be advised NOT to grant credit without a manager going out to investigate the situation. In this case, the carrier said to the manager, "No,... you don't understand!! I bagged the paper, tied the end, then turned it upside down, bagged it again, tied the end, turned it upside down, bagged it again, tied the end, turned it upside down.... there are FIVE bags on that paper. It CAN'T be wet." The manager went out to take a look, and sure enough, the paper was still laying in the driveway, but the customer had already called it in as "wet". Now, how'd he know? Psychic? Unbag all five bags and re-bag? Not likely. The manager said the look on his face was priceless when the he knocked on the guy's door, who was obviously still pretty much asleep, and said, "Did you call claiming the paper was wet, sir?" "Well, yes- it's raining, right? It's always wet when it rains," he replied. The manager asked the customer to stand and watch while he unbagged all five bags, from which emerged a perfectly dry paper. The manager said, "I can't give you credit, but I can give you another dry paper - is that what you want?" They guy shook his head no, looked at the ground, grabbed his paper with an angry motion, and shut the door. Didn't even say "Thanks" or "good-bye". Some people just can't handle the truth.Even though this story doesn't have to do with a wet paper, it's still a great story, I think. By times, we are asked to throw out samples in an effort to get new customers, especially since the enforcement of the Do Not Call List came about. One customer called, saying he'd turned us in to the municipality for littering on his driveway, and he was going to push the issue until we were served with the standard $300 fine for littering. Turns out, this guy was a cop, and actually got legislation passed in his township, and the neighboring township, that newspapers cannot toss out samples, it's considered littering. Can anyone say, "Determination"? I once had an older, well-dressed woman call my house, asking for a dry replacement. It hadn't rained, but it was very humid that morning, so perhaps, the paper skipped across the driveway, got a couple of small tears, and landed someplace where the water gathered near her driveway, or maybe even in the grass. When I got there, she furiously pointed to a fifty-cent sized spot on the front page and sharply said, "I can't possibly read this - it's wet! It's simply unreadable!" I asked if she was trying to read that specific article, and I guess it angered her more. She shook the paper at me and said, "It's pathetic! I can't read this - are you blind?" I simpley smiled and said, "No, ma'am,.. I do appologize, I'll try to toss it in the grass next time so that the bag doesn't tear". Of course - the next day - even though it did not rain, and the paper was on the driveway (since it didn't rain), she called the Post Gazette office and said, "Tell the carrier that I will absolutely not walk through the grass to pick up my paper. I will get my shoes wet." Never heard from her again - I don't know if she was just having a bad day - or perhaps it was someone's mother who was only there for a few days. I didn't change anything, but never had another problem. Freezing rain has to be the worst - there is no safe place to toss the paper. If we can manage to keep it from sliding down the block - we can't keep the customer from sliding on their backside. Another carrier told me once, that a customer called them to complain about the fact that they fell while trying to pick up their newspaper, and kicked it into a puddle, and insisted the newspaper give them a week's worth of credit because they shouldn't have to fall down the driveway in weather like that. I'm curious as to how customers think we can drive UP (or worse yet, DOWN) their driveways in the freezing rain and get stopped before we plow through their garage door. My logic says to wait until things thaw a bit - or stick your nose out and start tossing out salt, a little bit at a time; the news is not going to change if you have to wait an hour to go out and pick up the paper when it's safer. I know, it sounds harsh, but sometimes we can only do so much from our end. Sometimes, people have to stop and realize we are dealing with 250 papers, they're dealing with one, and we really do what looks like the "right thing" from the curb in the dark. One cold, dry winter morning, a gentleman called my house asking for a replacement for his wet paper. Normally, when it's dry, even if there's snow on the ground, papers don't get wet. When I got there, he handed me a mangled, torn, shredded, parially unbagged representation of what WAS his morning paper. He had hit it with the snow blower. I thought to myself as I pulled away, "That wasn't wet - that was mutilated!" I usually start in October, after the flowers die for the year, tossing everyone's paper closer to their mailbox so they can find it during a snow - they will know, within a 3 foot area, exactly where to dig if we get a heavy snow, and I've dropped the paper early enough to have it covered by a couple inches of snow. I've been late, some snowy mornings, and seen where people have dusted away the snow from the area where I usually toss the paper, so I know it works. However, there are those folks who are just not observant enough to appreciate my forethought. Poor guy - probably ruined his snow blower, but he never said a word. And if you haven't had enough wet stories, you can always go back and read Can't Stack Up from June 8. That's another good one that you can't read often enough. |