CURBSIDE ETIQUETTE

Through the Eyes of a Delivery Goddess



Below you will find links to dates when new entries are added. The stories will not necessarily be in chronological order, but rather as I remember them. I am dating them so that you can skip to new ones you haven't read since the last time you visited, and so that you are more easily able to find something you found humorous to share with others.
Germophobe


I hope everyone has experienced the joy of walking to your car in a parking garage and tried to leave, only to find out you had to pay in the lobby of the garage, or the facility it's attached to, before you proceeded to your car. It took me a few times backing away from the gate and re-parking to learn that nowadays, it is too risky to have an actual guard in a guard shack that collects money or credit cards in exchange for temporary rental of a parking space. Most places are switching to the "buy a token" or "swipe your credit card" before you leave the building.

Several years back, I was at one of the local hospitals - one of the first in the area to start the "pay before you go to your car" idea. I had to go to the customer service desk to get change for a twenty dollar bill, since the token machine only took ones, and to boot, it took TWO tokens, hence TWO dollars to make your getaway. I stood at the token machine and repeatedly stuck my first dollar bill in, and without a portable iron to press the creases, I had to move to the second dollar bill, which triggered the machine to spit out a token. The second went through smoothly, while in the back of my mind I heard the elevator doors about ten feet behind me ding and open. As an involuntary extravert, it's in my nature to smile at everyone, so I smiled and gave a nod to the woman exiting the elevator. Another bad habit I have is sticking my car key in my mouth so I don't set it down somewhere and walk off without it. The key chain jingled as I nodded at her. She lowered her eyebrows and frowned at me. Now, not to be rude in ANY way, but she was a native India woman sporting her native garb, complete with a head wrap and longer over coat style body wear. Please, please forgive my ignorance with formal names for each culture's non-American items. I was concerned, since I wasn't quite sure what I'd done to obviously offend her. She reached toward my face, I leaned away and took a step backward. She lunged toward me again with her arm extended outward, reaching more deliberately for my face. She took a firm grip on the key hanging from my mouth, causing me to clamp down on it even harder. What on earth does she want with my key? It's not like she's going to know which car is mine, and I can't believe she's never seen a car key before. There was nothing special about the key chain, it was one of those "number ONE shaped" rubber pieces with someone's advertising printed on it, and I'm certain it was nothing she could read from where she was standing. The harder she pulled, the harder I chomped down on my key like a dog playing tug-of-war with a rope toy. It was the only key on the ring; my house keys and other keys are on a separate chain because I have a horrible phobia about constant noise and motion (windwhield wipers, which present BOTH constant noise and motion, are a horrible necessity), and extra keys on a car ring jingle against the dashboard until I"m ready to rip out my eye brows, so I routinely carry just one car key on a chain by itself. Finally, with her brows firmly wrinkled and her teeth showing like an angry dog, she spoke with a very thick accent, (please use your imagination) "GET THAT DIRTY KEY OUT OF YOUR MOUTH"!!!!! I released the key, relieved that she was just going to scold me, and not perform some ancient ritual on me.

I would have given ANYTHING for a camera to catch the appalled look on her face when I proudly announced, "Oh, don't worry, I've sucked it clean." She gasped. I reached calmly for my key. I was able to just pull it from her outstretched hand while her mouth gaped open at me. I smiled and said ,"have a great night." For all I know, she's still standing there with her mouth hanging open.